Doctor, Doctor Gimme the News
by Nanenna
Summary: Sans is a veterinarian working at an aquatic animal rescue and rehabilitation center, though due to their facilities they sometimes end up acting as an ER for monsters of a more watery persuasion. So when a monster rarely seen on the ocean's surface is found injured and insensible, where else would they be taken? Sanscest: Kustard. Mermaid AU


Happy MerMay, ya'll!

* * *

Sans was in the locker room changing into his work clothes (he had just slipped his feet into sandals) when Undyne came stomping loudly into the room. Not that Undyne ever did anything quietly. "Hey, nerd! We got a new patient for you!"

"oh, was a rescue just brought in?"

"No, it's the mermaid that was brought in yesterday."

Sans carefully shut his locker, then looked up at Undyne. "aren't they on doc brown's roster?"

"They were, but they're turning out to be a problem patient."

"have you guys tried… you know… talking to them? they're a monster, i don't think any monster that's been brought in has turned into a problem patient."

"Well they finally woke up and started throwing a fit, nothing we've tried to calm them down has worked. We need your special touch."

Sans sighed and shook his head. "alright, they're in icu tank b, right? i'll head on over."

"Thanks!"

"hey, what'd the octopus say to the crab?"

Undyne groaned and started walking away.

"_water_ you doing? you know we use the _bud_dy system, especially with problem patients."

"I'm not dealing with your awful sense of humor today."

"i've got a so_fish_ticated sense of humor."

"I'm leaving, hurry up!"

"okay, okay, don't get your wet suit in a twist."

Nearly half an hour later Sans finally made it to the tank, a metal bowl held casually in hand. Undyne was impatiently tapping a foot and scowling at his arrival. "THERE you are! What took you so long?!"

"had to get the patient's breakfast, i'm not going to let them starve." Sans waved the bowl at Undyne as he walked up to the edge of the tank, he slipped off his sandals and sat down so his feet dangled in the water.

The patient snarled and snapped their teeth at Sans when he sat down, the red pips in their otherwise empty eye sockets glowing brightly. They were in a sling, suspended at the water's surface, on their stomach, arms through a pair of holes designed for flippers. It looked pretty uncomfortable. It was also the best they had, it was easy enough to get a sling meant for dolphins or sharks, mermaids were seen so rarely outside of the deep ocean that no one had bothered designing a sling for them.

"hey, pal," Sans greeted in his usual soft, gentle voice.

The patient snarled again and thrashed in their sling.

"sorry about the accommodations, we weren't entirely sure if you needed to breathe air or water. we also can't have you pulling out the stitches we had to put in yesterday. They should be safe to remove tomorrow or the next day, though."

The patient quieted down, their face lowered into the water until only their eyes were visible, darting back and forth between Sans and Undyne behind him.

"i'll see what i can arrange about making you more comfortable, in the meantime are you hungry? i got some fish fillet here, a couple different kinds. but since you're a monster i also got some monster food. it'll help you heal faster, it's easier to eat, and, in my opinion, is way tastier." He picked up a candy bar from the bowl and started unwrapping it.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to feed them that junk?"

"oh, i didn't know you suddenly earned a doctorate while i wasn't looking." Sans turned and grinned up at Undyne.

"Nah, they hired me for my muscle!" Undyne flexed, showing off her rather impressive biceps. And she was right, having someone on hand to help move large, scared, hurting animals that wouldn't drown when they panicked and held her underwater was very useful at an aquatic rescue and rehabilitation center.

"good, so stop interrupting." He turned back to his patient and made a show of taking a bite of the candy bar. "mmmmm… nougat, my favorite. you want some?" He held the bar out towards the patient, still too far for the other to reach in the center of the tank.

The patient looked to Undyne before their eyes flitted to the candy bar, then Sans's face. They nodded.

Sans slipped into the shallow water. Well, shallow for most sea creatures and tall monsters like Undyne, it came up to his chest. He let the bowl he'd brought float on the surface as he slowly approached the patient, then held the candy bar up to them. The patient brought their face out of the water to take a small bite. A surprised expression crashed over their face, followed by them frantically trying to eat the rest of the candy, wrapper and all.

"hey, don't take my fingers too!" Sans laughed as he tried to keep the wrapper away from the hungry monster's gnashing teeth. "alright, that was pretty good, huh? want to try the chisps next? or the do you want this nice, fresh fish?"

The patient just nodded. That was fine, Sans figured they had to be pretty hungry, they hadn't eaten since being brought in the day before and who knows when they last ate before that? He opened the bag of chisps and held one out to the patient. Their arms were trapped at such an awkward angle there was no way they could feed themself, so they gingerly took the chip from Sans's fingers.

Undyne snorted, Sans glanced over his shoulder to give her a warning glare, she was grinning and giving him a thumbs up. Sans rolled his eyes. He turned back to his patient, quietly feeding him chisps one small handful at a time.

"want the fish too? or was that enough?"

"fish," the patient replied.

"okay, cool." Sans picked up the first fillet and held it out to the patient. They grabbed it from Sans's hand and messily ate it. "my name's sans, by the way. what should i call you?'

The patient paused, head tilted slightly in thought. "red."

"that certainly is accurate." Sans looked back at what he could see of a dark red tail with bright, cherry red fins. He pulled out the next fillet and offered it to Red. "so, what do you want for lunch? deep sea fish? shore fish? shellfish? crustaceans? we got a lot to choose from, so what do you like?" Sans felt something brush up against his iliac crests, then latch on and pull him towards his shark toothed patient.

Red nuzzled their face into Sans's chest, their deep voice rumbling as they said, "i like yer."

Sans's face warmed with a light dusting of blue over his cheeks. "uh… thanks buddy?" He awkward patted their head. "i'm uh… i'm not on the menu."

Red looked up at him with a smirk, but let go.

Sans stepped back with a sigh of relief. "okay, so… about this sling." Sans cleared his throat. "we don't want you doing anything strenuous until we get those stitches out, but that looks pretty uncomfortable. would uh… would flipping you onto your back be better?" Sans made a circular motion with one of his fingers to illustrate his point.

Red seemed to think it over, then nodded.

"alright. hey, undyne, we could use a hand over here."

Undyne slipped into the water, which only came up to just above her hips, and waded over to them. "I don't know why you calming the wild ones down always surprises me."

"undyne, this is red. red, meet undyne. don't bite each other."

Undyne raised a hand in greeting, grinning with all her teeth on display. Red replied with a wide, toothy grin of his own.

"we're gonna flip him on his back."

"Alright," Undyne mimed pushing up sleeves, "let's get to it!"

They worked together to get Red's arms through the sling, then flipped him over. Sans inspected the stitches in a zigzagging, scattered trail up his tail and to the softer ectoflesh of the merman's side. Once that was done they spent a good twenty minutes raising, lowering, and adjusting the angle of the sling until both Red and Sans were satisfied.

"there, try to get some rest, bucko. i'll see about getting more monster food for you for lunch, if all goes well we can remove the stitches after that."

"tanks."

Sans wasn't sure if that was a pun or Red's accent, so he just smiled at Red. "you're welcome."

One of Red's hands gently gripped Sans's humerus, trailing down until he was just barely holding Sans's phalanges. Sans's face flushed bright blue as he pulled away. Undyne was laughing.

"c'mon, i still have my morning rounds to do and i'm sure you've got work too."

"I can't WAIT to tell Alphys about this!"

"about what? that real, live mermaids aren't anything like all their legends?"

"Oh sure, that too." Undyne chuckled to herself as she climbed easily out of the tank while Sans struggled to get over the edge.

* * *

Sans was in the middle of inspecting a sea otter's paw when one of the human handlers came looking for him. "Doctor, there you are!"

"hey vicky, 'sup?"

"We need you, there's a problem with Red."

"i thought he was stable and back on doc brown's roster?"

Vicky sighed, "He's being violent again. Bit Undyne, threatens anyone else who gets close, and refuses to eat."

"aw jeez, and we were hoping to release him this afternoon. oh wow, that sounded weird. i know release is the word hospitals use but it's also the word we use for letting wild animals go. i spend way more time releasing wild animals than releasing patents from a hospital, so it sounds almost wrong, you know?"

"Can you come help calm him down or not?"

"sure, let me just finish this up."

"He's still in ICU tank B."

"alright."

When Sans arrived he found a whole crowd of people standing around, a wide berth between them and the edge of the tank, where a lot of snarling and splashing was coming from. Undyne was sitting off to against a wall, holding a rag stained with yellow splotches to her bicep. Sans ambled over to her, setting down a first aid kit as he crouched, then reached for the rag.

"I'm not a patient!" Undyne snapped angrily, her teeth snapping too.

"you're an injured aquatic monster at an aquatic rescue center, you're a patient."

"sans!"

"i'll be with you in a minute, red." Sans called over his shoulder. "in the mean time vicky, aaron, i need you two to hang around. everyone else can skedaddle. go on, get." Sans made a shooing motion at the crowd, the handlers and volunteers soon leaving. Sans then went back to inspecting Undyne's wound, casually ignoring the angry merman making distressed noises just a few yards away. "looks like you won't need stitches, he only just broke the skin. i'd say it was barely more than a love bite."

"I'm not the one he wants to give those to." Undyne was smirking at him when he glanced up.

"i have no idea what you're talking about."

Undyne snorted. Sans started applying antiseptic. That earned him a wince and a muffled curse from her. "I'm just saying you had him eating out of the palm of your hand. Literally!"

"his arms were trapped in the sling, he couldn't feed himself if he wanted to."

"Not that he wanted to." Undyne waggled her brows.

Sans blushed as he remembered how Red had insisted Sans hand feed him the day before, using the excuse that he was injured and cajoling until Sans gave in. "well it doesn't really matter, if he's feeling good enough to throw a temper tantrum then he's feeling good enough to be sent home."

"That's a pity, Alphys started shipping it the moment I told her about you two."

"Alphys once shipped a character with a tree. not even a sentient one, a literal tree."

"Okay, first of all! The guy was a villain who didn't deserve love. And second of all! It was a joke ship that everyone in the fandom was using to make fun of the guy. And THIRD of all!"

"okay, i get it, i get it, sheesh." Sans finished wrapping up the wound. "alright, vicky, take her to go report the injury. undyne, let that actually heal. no heavy lifting or strenuous activity for the rest of the day, and eat plenty of monster food."

"You're such a party pooper."

"i'm texting papyrus about this so he knows not to let you arm wrestle with him."

"What? NO! I've got another arm, I can wrestle with that one!"

"C'mon, Undyne, let's go report this to Charlie." Vicky tugged on Undyne's good arm, convincing her to stand. Soon the pair were leaving, Undyne grumbling under her breath the whole way.

Sans stood and stretched, a couple joints popping. "okay aaron, you're my buddy this time around."

"Don't worry, I won't let him hurt you. ;)"

"not… really worried about that." Sans sighed, then went over to the bucket sitting near the edge of the tank. It had a few raw fish laying limp in it. "ah, lovely." He picked it up and moved to the edge of the tank, slowly slipping off his sandals as he spoke. "red, if you'd rather have live fish or monster food you could have just said so. i'm not sure how availa- whoa!" A pair of skeletal arms had reached out of the water and pulled Sans into the tank. The next thing he knew he was sputtering up saltwater while being pressed to a set of ribs with a thin layer of deep red ectoflesh over them. Water was being splashed, Sans was being jostled, there was a lot of shouting, it was pandemonium.

"back off ya seahorse!"

"Let him go! ;)"

"no, he's mine! git yer own!"

"He's a land monster, he'll drown if you don't stop! ;)"

"stop! both of you!" Amazingly, they both did stop. Sans tried to get his feet back under him, harder to do that it should be due to a merman easily twice as big as him clinging to him.

"tell him to go 'way, sansy," Red whined as he nuzzled Sans's skull.

"oh. mygod." Sans blushed so hard he thought he might be glowing. Undyne had been right.

Aaron snickered.

"red uh… this is very flattering and all but… uh… i mean… this isn't really the time or place…"

"don'tcha like me, sansy?" Now that Sans finally had his feet under him Red had climbed onto him, his arms clinging to Sans's shoulders, his skull resting on Sans's.

"i just… it's… listen… it's not… you're my patient!" Sans squeaked out. "it's uh… it's not appropriate. once you're declared recovered enough to take care of yourself we send you home and then we're both free monsters, right?"

"so you'll go on a date wi' me?" Red's tail swished, splashing water over Aaron, who was watching the whole thing with the biggest smirk.

"sure, i know a couple places for aquatic monsters along the shore."

"awww… yer gonna keep feeding me?" Red purred against Sans's acoustic meatus, "ya don't gotta, 'm already yers."

Sans blushed all the harder, Aaron snickered.


End file.
